Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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