i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
