I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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