my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
