3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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