What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
