last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
