70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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