HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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