Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
