forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize