wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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