I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
