Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
