he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
