I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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