I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize