why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
