hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
