...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
