I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
