I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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