My cat gives me a boner
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize