1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
