Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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