Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
