just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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