i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
