Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
