he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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