Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
