I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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