I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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