yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Drake has all the answers
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
