upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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