My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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