If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
