dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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