there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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