i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
