She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize