Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize