How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
