Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
