you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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