Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
