I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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