Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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