I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
