I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
