Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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