i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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