I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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