the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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