Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize