he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We talked him into tasing himself.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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