woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
