I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
