ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
