At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
